1.The Target
My cooking has always been the target of family jokes. One evening, as I prepared dinner a bit too quickly, the kitchen filled with smoke and the smoke detector went off. Although both of my children had received fire-safety training at school, they did not respond to the alarm. Annoyed, I stormed through the house in search of them.
I found them in the bathroom, washing their hands. Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, I asked them to identify the sound.
“It‘s the smoke detector,” they replied in unison.
“Do you know what that sound means?” I demanded.
“Sure,” my oldest replied. “Dinner‘s ready.”
翻译：
靶子
我的烧饭手艺向来是家庭笑话的攻击目标。一天晚上，晚餐我准备得有点儿太快了，厨房里充满了烟，结果烟雾探查器报起警来。尽管我的两个孩子都在学校里接受过防火安全训练，可是他们并没有对报警声作出反应。我感到很恼火，满幢房子乱冲寻找他们。 我在洗澡间找到他们，发现他们正在洗手。我的声音盖过了烟雾警报的嗡嗡声，我叫他们辨别那声音。
“是烟雾探查器，”他们异口同声地说。
“你们知道那声音意味着什么吗？”我责问道。
“当然，”我的大孩子回答道，“晚饭准备好了。”
2.How can I get into heaven
“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor, would I get into heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday school class.
“No!” the children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church everyday, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “No!”
“Well, ” I continued, “then how can I get into heaven?”
A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”
翻译：
我怎么才能上天堂
“如果我把房子和车卖了，在车库举行义卖, 并把所有的钱给穷人，我能进天堂吗？”我问主日学校的孩子。
孩子们齐声回答：“不能！”
“那如果我每天都打扫教堂，给院子的草坪割草，并且把东西都收拾得干净整洁，我会上天堂吗？”
回答还是：“不能！”“好吧， ”我继续问, “那我要怎样才能升天堂呢？”
一个五岁的男孩儿叫道：“你得死了才行！”
3.A preacher is buying a parrot
Are you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.
Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.
Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.
Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?
I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.
翻译：
一个传教士在买鹦鹉
“你确信它不会尖叫，大叫或诅咒别人吗？”传教士问。
“哦，绝对不会。它是一只虔诚的鹦鹉。”店主保证说。
“你看见它腿上的这些细绳了吗？当你拉动右面的这根，它会背诵天主经，当你拉动左面的那根，它会背诵赞美诗”
“太棒了！”传教士说，“但是如果我同时拉动两条绳子，会发生什么呢？”
“我会从树干上掉下去的，你这个笨蛋！”鹦鹉尖声说道。
4. What Was It She Wanted？
A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer．“No，ma’am， we haven‘t had any for a while， and it doesn‘t look asif we‘ll be getting soon．” Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，“Of course， we‘ll have somesoon， We placed an order last week．” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside：“Never， never， never say we are out of anything—say we‘ve got it on order and it‘s coming． Now whatwas it she wanted？” “Rain．” said the clerk．
翻译：
她要买什么
一个商店经理听见一个店员对顾客说：“不，夫人，这会儿没有，一时半会儿看来也不会有。”经理惊恐万分地跑到顾客跟前说：“当然，马上就会有的。我们上周订了货。”然后经理把店员拉到一边：“千万，千万，千万不要说我们没有什么——说我们已经订了货，货马上就到。现在你说她要买什么？” “雨，”店员说。
4.A Life for a Life
The English author，Richard Savage，was once living in London in great poverty．In order to earn a little money he hadwritten the story of his life，but not many copies of the bookhad been sold in the shops，and Savage was living from hand tomouth．As a result of his lack of food he became very ill，butafter a time，owing to the skill of the doctor who had lookedafter him，he got well again．After a week or two the doctorsent a bill to Savage for his visits， but poor Savage hadn‘t anymoney and couldn‘t pay it．The doctor waited for another month and sent the bill again． But still no money came． Afterseveral weeks he sent it to him again asking for his money．Inthe end he came to Savage‘s house and asked him for payment，saying to Savage，“You know you owe your life to me and Iexpected some gratitude from you．” “I agree，” said Savage，“that I owe my life to you， and toprove to you that I am not ungrateful for your work I will givemy life to you．”With these words he handed to him two volumes entitled，The life of Richard Savage．
以“命”抵命
英国作家理查德·萨维奇一度在伦敦过着贫困潦倒的生活，为了赚几个钱，他曾写了有关他自己生平的故事。但是这部书在书店里并没有卖出几本，萨维奇过着朝不保夕的日子。由于缺乏食物，他病得很厉害。后来，由于给他治疗的那个医生的高明医术，他才又恢复了健康。过了一两个星期之后，医生给萨维奇送来了一张讨要诊费的帐单，但是贫穷的萨维奇没有钱来偿付。医生等了一个月后又送来了帐单，但仍然未索回分文。几个星期之后，他又送来帐单要钱。最后，医生本人来到了萨维奇的家中，对他说：“你明白，你是欠我一条命的，我希望你有所报答。” “是的，”萨维奇说，“我是欠你一条命，为了向你证明我对你的诊治不是不报答，我将把我的命给你。” 说着这番话，萨维奇递给医生两卷书，名叫《理查德·萨维奇的一生》。
Tags:靶子 笑话
